Relapse is all over the news these days, with the one-two punch of Demi Lovato and Ben Affleck relapsing in such close proximity to each other.
Celebrities who struggle with addiction and talk openly about their recovery face a double-edged sword; the media loves to sensationalize active use and/or relapse, and a celebrity thriving in recovery doesn't get much press. The story just isn't "juicy" enough. But every time relapse is spoken about openly - celebrity or not - it's an opportunity to educate everyone on addiction, relapse, and recovery.
Demi Lovato and Ben Affleck, due to their celebrity status, are a barometer for the way people respond to relapse. There is a LOT of talk in the media about their struggles, what led to their relapse, even speculation about WHY they relapsed. None of this is worthwhile, and it perpetuates the stigma around addiction and relapse. They did not fail. They are not weaker than others. They are addicts in recovery who need to get help, make adjustments, and continue on in their recovery. And they are STILL IN RECOVERY. Relapse is only an indication that there are still changes they need to make in their program, their self-care, mental health, and/or environment. There is something about the relationship they have to themselves, and their recovery, that needs to change. It's no more and no less than that.
What Relapse Is, and What It Isn't
A relapse is a spiral into compulsive behavior and maladaptive coping mechanisms. For someone who has abstained from alcohol and/or drugs for a period of time, the primary symptom of relapse is picking up a substance. While relapse is most commonly spoken of in terms of using a substance, relapse materializes in many forms. Any time we seek to escape our reality though unhealthy behaviors, it can be considered a relapse. It can look like falling back into a codependent relationship, an unhealthy relationship with food, gambling, an active eating disorder, self-harm, and many others. Whatever battle we are fighting, any time we revert back to unhealthy, impulsive, and escaping behaviors, we are in relapse.
A relapse never occurs suddenly. Let me reiterate that: while it make look sudden, and even feel sudden to the addict, there are always warning signs and other identifiable factors that appear in advance of the physical relapse. This is both the good news and the bad news about relapse. It is a teachable experience, and how we deal with it has everything to do with our ability to continue our recovery.
Here is what relapse is NOT:
Unlike the first time someone gets sober, relapse can be devastating to an addict (and their loved ones) because there is a feeling that someone "should know better". Addicts themselves can fall victim to this rhetoric, and experience deep shame that they "did it again", despite all their best intentions and despite working some kind of recovery program. This shame prevents people in relapse from reaching for help, and is - quite literally - killing people as a result. There needs to be more open and honest discourse surrounding relapse to counterbalance this feeling of failure. Many people who relapse and seek recovery again say they feel like "a bad person trying to get good", instead of the reality which is that they are a sick person trying to get well. There is no room for moral judgement when it comes to relapse. It simply doesn't apply.
There is a lot of dialogue now, thankfully, around destigmatizing addiction. Slowly, people are being educated on the fact that addiction is a diagnosable disease that needs to be treated like the chronic and potentially fatal condition that it is.
Understanding around relapse is slower to emerge, likely because it is often as baffling to the relapser as it is to those around them. The common rhetoric most people in recovery hear is "relapse doesn't have to be part of recovery". This is a noble and worthwhile goal for anyone in recovery, but the reality looks very different. We can't battle the stigma surrounding relapse until we take an honest look at the facts. According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse , between 40-60% of addicts will experience relapse, many more than once.
Relapse IS a part of recovery for approximately 50% of addicts. The silver lining is that any relapse is a valuable learning experience and an opportunity to make adjustments to one's program of recovery. A program of recovery is no different than a treatment protocol for a cancer or diabetes patient. If a cancer patient has a recurrence of cancer cells, a physician adjusts the treatment protocols: different chemo, more radiation, etc. An addict who relapses needs to do the same. They can look at what worked, and what didn't, with their recovery program and make adjustments accordingly.
When an addict relapses, the objective is to shorten the duration and acuity of the relapse. Instead of a "how could you?", "why did you", or "you know better" responses, the questions to ask are "what kind of help do you need right now" and "what needs to change"?
If someone in relapse feels they will be shamed or shunned for reaching for help, they stay in relapse. If they feel they will be met with support and an action plan to help them, they are much more likely to reach out for help. In some recovery circles, there is a "back to day one" notion, meaning that if you relapse your counter resets to absolute zero. While this may be true in the actual number of days someone has abstained from using, it is NOT true when it comes to the progress they have made in their recovery so far. Everything they learned in recovery - including what didn't work - is of value.
There is an analogy for this that is poignant: if you were driving to Los Angeles from Boston and you got lost in Chicago, would you drive all the way back to Boston and start over? No. You would reroute, consult people who know how to get to Los Angeles, adjust your path, and continue on.
The same is true of recovery. If relapse happens we can get help, make adjustments, regroup, and keep moving forward.
What to Do If You Relapse
What To Do If Someone Asks You For Help
You may have heard the term 'holding space' for someone, but what does that actually mean?
We live in an instant gratification world. We are an action-oriented society full of doers. When we encounter our own struggles, or the struggles of others, our natural instinct is usually to jump into action and "help" or "fix". This isn't inherently a bad response (there are no 'bad' responses, really), but sometimes action isn't what's needed. Sometimes what we need is a compassionate shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and the warmth of companionship. Sometimes what we really need is someone to just be with us.
Holding space for someone means we are willing to walk alongside another person on whatever journey they’re on without trying to fix them, judge them, make them feel inadequate, or try to impact or control the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.
Sounds straightforward, right? It's simple, but it's not easy.
Why We Hide Our True Feelings
How many of us have been in some form of emotional pain but when someone asks how we're doing we say "fine"? How often do we plaster a smile on our faces to mask our struggles, instead of allowing our emotions and thoughts to bubble to the surface? in some instances, of course, it's appropriate not to share. But why do we do this even with loved ones or friends who genuinely care? Maybe it is because we don't want to feel like a burden. Perhaps we don't feel emotionally safe being vulnerable. We often justify being closed-up by thinking someone couldn't possibly understand, but most often it's because we're afraid. Afraid that if we open up and don't get a compassionate or understanding response, we will feel hurt and/or rejected. So we play it safe, and keep our true emotions safely under guard.
Part of the reason for this fear is that often well-intentioned people don't allow us to simply experience emotions. They minimize in an effort to make things seem okay, even when they're not. They offer solutions or try to fix us, which can only serve to make us feel more broken. They switch the topic to themselves in an effort to identify - whether they are on-point or not - which makes us feel less-than or like we're 'complaining'. Perhaps they offer platitudes, or tell us it will all be okay, which makes us feel unheard.
Think of holding space for someone as becoming a safe container for them, where they can feel what they feel in whatever form that takes. We spend so much of our lives performing in some respect. At work, home, with friends and acquaintances, so much of our life requires us to be on.
6 Ways to Hold Space for Someone
So how does one actually do this? How can you hold space for someone? It can be very difficult to do, especially when you love someone and it hurts your heart to see them in pain.