 I’ve kept no secrets about how difficult the last year has been for me after a miscarriage, separation, and uncertainty of a marriage. And oh yes I am a severe codependent recovering from addiction with little idea how to love myself without external validation.
The reality of the human condition is this; pain is inevitable, suffering IS more avoidable. But no matter how much I read, write, pray, meditate, work a program, yadayada, the fact of the matter is I’ve had to process feelings. And sometimes, there is nothing to do but feel horrible or cry my face off. Before recovery, I would wake up dreading the actions of the night before. Now I wake up with a terrible lump in my throat like “Oh yeah, this is my reality today and it’s nothing like what I envisioned.” And yes I can write gratitude lists and tell myself it will get better, but there are very few things I have found to do in an instant that can shift my mood like being of service to others. One of the most amazing gifts of being in such prolonged emotional pain is the ridiculous amount of compassion you develop towards others. Being of service is the single most efficient way to get out of our own minds while positively impacting others. Is this not a total win/win??!! When people hear “service to others” they think volunteering at a shelter or donating clothes and food to a local center, but the truth is we can be of service over and over throughout our day, every day. So to jumpstart you in vibrating at a higher frequency tomorrow, I have started a very basic list of ways you can be of service to others, IMMEDIATELY:
RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Recovery Coaching - Family Support Services Case Management -Sober Companions - DUI/OUI Support Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management Management
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 Over the last six months I have been a bit more in the shadows than usual. There have been very few blogs, minimal speaking engagements, and no boasting about random accolades. I’ve been prepared to write this post when the time was right, and it feels like now. There are a lot of things about recovery that we don’t really give thought to when we are hanging on in the very beginning. For me, this journey has been about unpeeling all the layers of BS and learning who I am, what I love, and what my sacred contract on this particular journey is all about. After nearly two years of sobriety this past spring, I was blessed with the gift of a new life in my belly. I always planned on having a family. I mean, that’s what people do…get a job, make money, get married, have kids and live happily ever after…right? It didn’t work out that smoothly, at least for me. Once I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. It occurred to me that I was doing this for my husband who had been nothing but loving and supportive over the last 10 years, especially through my early recovery. There was SO MUCH shame for me, hating myself for being sober and STILL not recognizing my truth. How was I not “farther along??” Then there was the guilt of “ruining my husband’s life” not just by being an alcoholic, but also now to tell him that I didn’t feel ready for a family, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be married. It was horrible on so many levels. We went through 11 weeks of highs, lows, therapy, and lots of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream. Seeing and hearing the heartbeat at the first ultrasound was surreal but I could tell the technician was uneasy and that something wasn’t right. They brought us into a room and told us that the levels were not where they should be and that we would need to return in one week. There had been a whole lot of soul searching up to that point and my husband and I could both see the writing on the wall if this pregnancy didn’t make it. A week later there was no heartbeat and a month after that I moved into an apartment alone. When dealing with addiction many people have to hit rock bottom and lose everything. Today with so much more awareness just as many people don’t. I hadn’t lost everything. But when you spend your whole life building up a story on a false foundation, there is a daunting amount of work that has to go into deconstructing, in the hopes of one day building again on a healthy foundation. There were so many days romanticizing my addictive behaviors of partying and obsessive working. “None of this would be my reality if I stayed in the fog.” But the truth is, there IS no reality in the fog. There would months of waking up in the morning and praying for the universe to help me put one foot in front of the other and to stay away from distractions of any kind. I turned down offers this summer for roles and opportunities that would have brought my ego a lot of satisfaction. I got sober to stop reaching outward for inner peace in ANY way, not just with substances. The time had come to go inside. So I have gone inside, and I am there…in the pit, where the knitty gritty work has to be done. And its haaaaaaard. It’s lonely. It’s painful. It’s inconsistent. But I am recognizing that in this pit is where I have to go to live a truly free and genuine life. One day in the car a few months ago I asked my husband (he knew I was sharing all of this as its partially his story to tell) what he thought would happen with us and he said he honestly had no idea. As far as what my life looks like one year from now, I too, have no idea. But I am grateful that I have stayed present to walk through this with clarity and honesty. This post isn’t about sympathy or attention. It’s about transparency. My professional bio paints the picture of “perfection” and “awesomeness” in sobriety, however THIS period has been about having the courage to let go of what my story is going to look like and how I think it needs to be. RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services Case Management -Sober Companions - DUI/OUI Support Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management Management  A well-known and effective activity to put closure on our addictive behaviors is to write a letter to our drug of choice. With her permission, below is a powerful letter from a talented mother and executive we have had the privilege of guiding through the earliest stages of recovering from addiction. I am so impressed by her courage and strength and I am sure you will be too!
Dearest Alcohol, I am sad to tell you that you can no longer be my BFF (best friend forever). You have gone from being the best and most loving partner to the worst booty call. I have reduced you from frenemy I loved and couldn’t get enough of to my eternal enemy. I will no longer answer your text messages or when you try to crash my parties, the cops (my tools) will be called upon. Together you and I began to build a beautiful bridge together for life. Once I first tasted your awesome power you captured me but this bridge led to alcoholism. If we stay friends, it will lead to mental disorder, despair, heartache and death. Thankfully, I have decided to let you finish the bridge alone. I am returning to a place of self-awareness, beauty, focus, love and long life. With you, I will destroy any potential of having clarity ever again. You do leave obstacles in my way but I am learning to get over them. I miss you very much. You need to know that. In my early stages of sobriety, I think about us a lot. I try to think of the good times, but it only leaves me confused and sad. It also leaves me embarrassed, ashamed and regretful. I did really stupid, life threatening and mean things while you were around me and I loved the way you made me feel. When I was happy inside, we would celebrate together. When I was sad, you’d help me forget and wallow in my sorrow and the occasional drunk dial. (Maybe not that occasionally, who did I call?) We rocked out together and met some cool people. We got married together and we tried to raise a small child together. Imagine the things he saw and heard from us as a baby, but weren’t the hangover naps the best? No they really weren’t. While you were planning our next drunk, I wasn’t present with my child. Once you gave me a voice to speak in those early days but then you became a co-dependency I couldn’t get rid of. Remember driving down and up 93 every weekend drunk as hell and going 100 MPH to just get to bed? I was lucky and still am. Eventually, you and my luck will stop. So I need to stop. Angels have been guiding me away from you and showing me signs over the years that you should go. So now I say goodbye. I not only say goodbye to you but everything you came with. The fights, the drama, the disappointment in peoples’ voices and also the insecurity, the forgetfulness, heartburn and sickness. Paranoia and hangovers. We have tried everything you and I to get along. We tried the hard stuff. We tried the beer. We tried moderation. We tried spritzers. We tried drugs together. We learned we loved craft beer, wine and tequila. I learned that you would let me keep going. A bottle of wine would turn into two some nights. (This was before the locked fridge got involved) A bottle of wine would also turn into a chaser of warm beers smuggled from the party stash. Eventually, I didn’t care what form you came in as long as you were inside of me! You see alcohol; I would have killed myself chasing you. My biggest fear in life is watching it go by and leaving this earth without making an impact. My impact will be giving my life its greatest gift – a life without you. My journey home has begun. (please stop texting me at 4:30pm every night, I’d appreciate that) - Sincerely, Elizabeth RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management  For an addict (I use this term to include alcoholic), feeling our feelings is a critical component to dealing with addiction and recovering from addiction. It is important to understand that someone who has been numbing their feelings for years is going to go through a phase in early recovery where they begin to feel feelings for the first time, and it’s typically a scary and unpleasant experience. I remember hitting about the four-month mark crying on the phone with a woman in the program telling her I would rather be trashed every day of my life then feel the way I did at that moment. Everything I had avoided dealing with was coming out of my cells, pains and struggles I had stuffed down for over 15 years.
Another important piece in understanding addiction is that the addict essentially stops growing emotionally around the time they first started using drugs and/or alcohol. For many of us the path started with pot or drugs as early as 12 or 13. This applies to anyone and everyone recovering from addiction whether 15 or 50. So recognize that now you have this person who has stopped the addictive behaviors but has started to have some uncomfortable feelings come up, who has the ability to deal with such issues on the same level as a teenager or preteen. This is why as many support systems as we can put in place are critical to the recovery process. Meetings, sober peers, therapists, recovery coaches, it doesn’t take one or two of these but ALL of these to increase the chances of success and long-term sobriety or the ability to bounce back quickly from a slip. Even after a significant amount of time in recovery, having feelings come up is risky. The addict wants to instantly “fix” the feelings and have control over numbing them or making them go away. So aside from the initial support systems a person must develop the proper coping skills that work for him or her. This even applies to physical feelings… I know every time I got sick in early recovery I wanted to drink because in the end that was what I did to feel better. A person cannot simply be told what works for them, they have to learn to develop and understand these coping mechanisms as they see fit for themselves. The key to feeling negative feelings is not to sit in the pain to sulk and stay depressed; it is to process through these feelings until they have left us. Taking a line from the wonderful Pema Chodron: “ The best thing you can do is learn how to fail really well, to hold the pain of things happening that you really don’t want to be happening … to experience the rawness of vulnerability … and to know the experience of when something terrible happens it means an opportunity for you to evolve into a better place, a new experience”. In the end, life happens; we must all understand that moments and feelings pass, yes, both the bad and the good. The beauty of life in recovery is being able to recognize this, be in moment, and ride the wave. RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management  One of the biggest mistakes I see people make when their son, daughter, spouse, parent, etc. is in treatment for addictive behaviors is forget about the work they need to do on themselves. It is very easy to get caught up in the drama of what to say when Aunt Joan asks where Suzie is or why brother Bill is blaming his parents for letting his sister’s problem get so bad. But here is the reality, none of this actually matters and it is completely counterproductive to the family getting well. We can only control what we can control and if we want to be supportive to the family member dealing with addiction we need to do all of the work we possibly can on ourselves until they return and then beyond. This includes reading books on understanding addiction, seeking out family counseling and coaching (ideally not to be combined), attending appropriate support groups, and being able to get brutally honest with ourselves. “Suzie” has just committed to going to treatment…typically THE single most courageous and profound decision someone can have on their life and a family legacy. The rest of the family needs to do some of the same work. If you want to understand what your loved one is dealing with, try giving up one of your crutches for a week, be it sugar, exercise, etc. Journal on your feelings and emotions during this period and reflect on the idea of someone telling you this decision has to be permanent. Then go into a candy shop where everyone is promoting the use of sugar (as our society promotes the use and abuse of alcohol) and acknowledge your resolve after the fact. Scary, isn’t it? Overwhelming? This is just a tiny snapshot of what your loved one is dealing with and will continue to work through when they return home. There is a lot of commitment that has to go into getting well. My question to families is if you can’t even read the 3 books recommended and commit to the necessary support groups and assistance twice a week, how do you expect your loved on to do it every day? And my response to that is you can’t!
RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management  Let me start by qualifying myself here: I risked my career by going into treatment, paid about $14,000 out of my savings account for said treatment, and sold my car to sign up for a $15,000 coaching program in my first year of recovery. Insurance only covered detox, which I needed in order to get into a residential treatment facility. While I don’t expect everyone to go out, cash in their savings and sell their car, I do see a major gap between what people expect their life to be like and what they are willing to sacrifice to get it. On the other hand, there are thousands of fear-mongering and marketing-savvy addiction service organizations out there just sucking money out of the pockets of families, promising them a quick fix from the chronic plague of addiction. Below are five things you absolutely need to know before you invest in addiction treatment services:
1. Put Recovery First – Whether for you or for a family member, as long as your plan is well thought out and you aren’t selling all of your earthly possessions, investing in recovery services should be a top priority. It can be troubling to hear people say that they cannot afford a few thousand dollars when their or another human life is on the line. Typically, the high-functioning alcoholic or addict will scoff at the price tag on addiction treatment services...all while driving around in a nice car, wearing brand-name clothes, taking vacations, and dining out. Let me tell you one thing: without good recovery we have nothing. Good recovery and self -development services are priceless! Not only are you investing in a person, but you are also creating a ripple effect to improve the lives of this person’s entire social and family unit! You can’t put a price tag on a life, and – more importantly – if you do, you run the high risk of losing that life altogether. That being said, investing in just any addiction treatment or self-development program can be just as risky. Which brings me to my next point… 2. Understand What is Being Promised – Dealing with addiction is one of the most emotionally charged situations you’ll ever have to face-off against. I see too many families panic, go after a “quick fix” and invest a lot of money in addiction services that are hyped up to the max by a slick marketing organization. Let me repeat, these services specialize in marketing, not the wellbeing of you, your son, daughter or other loved one. Sadly, there is no quick fix when it comes to addictive behaviors, and these funds could be utilized in a much more efficient way. 3. Recognize that Addiction is a Chronic Illness – Today, addiction is most often treated as an acute illness: people wait until their disease is life threatening before taking action. Can you imagine doing this with any other physical or mental illness? I was highly self-aware and understood the progression of this illness enough to seek professional help before I lost external things, got a DUI, or caused my family more unnecessary pain, etc. Also, in the same way as many other chronic illnesses, there is no cure. Addiction doesn’t just go away after 30-days in a posh rehab. Treatment needs to be very customized and handled on a case-by-case basis. We invest so much money in detox and a 28-day program, but typically fail to come up with a strong, long-term continuum of care. This can be compared to going into remission for cancer without scheduling regular check-ups. It’s a futile and risky practice at best. Considering halfway and sober houses, professional counseling, or an addiction coach or sober companion can help keep you or your loved one on the right path. 4. Private Services May Be Your Best Option – I recently had someone tell me that she was grateful for our services because we weren’t doing more of the “same.” What she meant was that we don’t offer sub-par services that are paid for by insurance companies and executed by employees who are barely compensated for their time. Unfortunately, this happens more often than not. Ask anyone at a treatment center or outpatient program and they will probably tell you that their entire staff is spread incredibly thin and doing what they can with the little that they have. As we often say in recovery, half measures avail us nothing. Our goal is to be able to treat every single person who needs help without sacrificing the quality of our services. Money (or the lack thereof) neither deflates nor encourages us: we do what we do because we love doing it…and we’re pretty great at it, too! 5. You Will Never Regret It! – What you will regret is jumping the gun and making hasty decisions; spending tens of thousands of dollars without consulting with anyone who has actually been there before. Find people you trust and ¬– if you don’t know any in the recovery world – find them. With their support you’ll make better decisions. When you make smart and thoughtful investments and implement a plan designed to help you or your loved ones overcome addiction and aid in self-development, you will always, always win! RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management  A major part of overcoming addiction and sabotaging behaviors is learning to change our perspective. We can be the victim or we can be the person who has been presented with new opportunity. Remember that negativity can be an addictive behavior in and of itself. Last week I brought a client to what was for me the worst 12-step meeting I have ever attended. The message didn’t resonate with me at all and it seemed as though there was more talk of being in the problem vs. living in the solution. Three years ago there is no way I would have sat through 10 minutes of that meeting let alone complete the hour having gained quite a bit. During the initial moments of the meeting I noticed myself becoming frustrated that the speaker was going on and on about only his perils with drugs and that every other word was “F@#!”. He seemed to be rifling off drug addiction statistics out of nowhere as if he was the all mighty expert. While he was at one time homeless and his story was nothing like mine, I suddenly couldn’t believe how ridiculous I was being and how “in my old energy” I had become. I was able to quiet the judgmental mind and look for all of the ways I could identify instead of compare. I looked for things I could GAIN during the meeting vs. count the ways it was a waste of my time. Also, instead of reacting impulsively, I relaxed, breathed, and settled into my body. I thanked the universe for showing me where this disease very well could have brought me. I also thanked the universe for the fact that even though this man was not directly helping me, in speaking he was most likely helping himself and certainly some others in the room. I looked around at everyone in there and recognized that each and every one of us was fighting out own battle and that the beautiful thing is that we were all there to better ourselves. Because I didn’t walk out of the meeting, I was lucky enough to hear some wonderful people speak at the end. I was struck primarily by two young men in their 20’s who both felt like “they shouldn’t say much since they are really new to the program”, and it reminded me number one of how equal we all are, but number two that I was once the newbie who thought I was less worthy because I didn’t have years of sobriety. There was another young man in his 20’s whose ride ditched him at the last minute but he was still able to get to the meeting. Now that was inspiration, he had every excuse in the world as to why he didn’t have to be there, but he was. Because I like to force myself to speak as frequently as possible, I raised my hand. I sincerely thanked all of them for being there that day and for reminding me of things I can’t ever forget. But in my mind I was also grateful to be humbled and to be aware of the fact that I can’t control many things in my life, but I CAN control my behavior and my attitude and my perspective!
Tonight. But I was coming home from the gym, not the bar. And I was not drunk driving. Three years ago at this time I would have been well on my way to a good buzz and you see, I thought I was also the world’s greatest drunk driver. Invincible. Every day I thank the universe that I never physically injured anyone during this incredibly reckless time in my life. Addiction is a horrible thing. It’s the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have a disease. I thought my drinking was normal because everyone I surrounded myself with partied like I did, but it didn’t make it right. All I can say is I am completely grateful to be able to look a cop in the eye without fear of going to jail. I have replaced negative addictive behaviors with positive activities. I have overcome some major obstacles that presented themselves when I was most vulnerable. I have started a business to help others overcome addiction and behaviors they continue to do despite the negative consequences. I have changed my life. I no longer need go to bed on New Years Eve knowing that any resolutions I make will fail within a month. Now because I am in recovery, and because I am sober, I can face anything and everything that comes my way. I am grateful that tonight I did not get a ticket for going less than 10 miles over the speed limit. But I am more grateful that I was reminded of how far I have come and the fact that no one else is in danger this evening because of my decisions. Please, be safe tonight, and if you are ready to face your life on life’s terms and need some help, I hope to hear from you.
RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management There are numerous ways that those of us with addictive behaviors and tendencies continue to self-sabotage, long after a drink or drug is out of the picture. One such way is when we over promise and under deliver. If you do this, make the commitment to yourself to stop IMMEDIATELY, like this minute. Stop pretending that people can’t see through your BS. Doing this is a direct reflection of your self-worth and how you show up to life. If you make commitments and don’t stick to your word, if you say you will be somewhere at a certain time and show up late, you are really saying, “ Well, self, I don’t think we are worthy of follow through, so therefore nothing else in our life is either.” Let’s also take into consideration respect for the other parties involved. Your word is your bond not only to others but also to yourself. I have known many people working on recovery who are chronically late or don’t do what they say they will do. Your inability to set healthy boundaries with yourself and others such as “ I need to go now or I’m going to be late for my plans” is really giving a big fat F-You to the person you are late to.
So how do we fix this you ask? Make the commitment from this point forward to under promise and over deliver, and work on it. When we are not in active addiction it is imperative for the motor between our ears to quiet down and slow down. Once we slow ourselves down, it becomes easier to maintain a schedule and know when to say “yes” and when to say “NO”. If it’s not a “Hell Yes” it should be a “Hell NO”! You can do it! Progress, not perfection! RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management  WOW! Kudos to you Kara Sowles for writing an awesome article about how the business world, specifically here high tech companies, can better manage events to include people who do not drink alcohol. Not only does the corporate world exclude those who don’t drink alcohol, but it also encourages members to become involved in world of sex, partying and secrets, while preying upon the young women in the industry, and I am glad it’s being called out. As an Executive Recovery Coach and Interventionist, I see lives where the partying behavior of a spouse who justifies it because he “is supporting the family” wreaks havoc on an entire family unit. I am willing to bet that the majority of people, especially in the tech industry, will not want to consider the non-aloholic options because it shines a light on a truth that they refuse to acknowledge. If they acknowledge it, of course that means that each of them would have to take a closer look at themselves and their own reality of a drinking problem or addictive behaviors. Read Kara's article Alcohol and Inclusivity: Planning Tech Events with Non-Alcoholic Options.
RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services. Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management |
about the master coachDanielle, the Founder & Master Coach of RealYou Revolution, is a woman in long term recovery with a passion for helping others overcome their own personal demons – whatever they may be. 
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