Over the last six months I have been a bit more in the shadows than usual.  There have been very few blogs, minimal speaking engagements, and no boasting about random accolades.  I’ve been prepared to write this post when the time was right, and it feels like now.  There are a lot of things about recovery that we don’t really give thought to when we are hanging on in the very beginning.  For me, this journey has been about unpeeling all the layers of BS and learning who I am, what I love, and what my sacred contract on this particular journey is all about. 
            After nearly two years of sobriety this past spring, I was blessed with the gift of a new life in my belly.  I always planned on having a family.  I mean, that’s what people do…get a job, make money, get married, have kids and live happily ever after…right?  It didn’t work out that smoothly, at least for me.  Once I found out I was pregnant I was devastated.  It occurred to me that I was doing this for my husband who had been nothing but loving and supportive over the last 10 years, especially through my early recovery.  There was SO MUCH shame for me, hating myself for being sober and STILL not recognizing my truth. How was I not “farther along??”  Then there was the guilt of “ruining my husband’s life” not just by being an alcoholic, but also now to tell him that I didn’t feel ready for a family, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be married. It was horrible on so many levels.
            We went through 11 weeks of highs, lows, therapy, and lots of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.  Seeing and hearing the heartbeat at the first ultrasound was surreal but I could tell the technician was uneasy and that something wasn’t right.  They brought us into a room and told us that the levels were not where they should be and that we would need to return in one week.  There had been a whole lot of soul searching up to that point and my husband and I could both see the writing on the wall if this pregnancy didn’t make it.  A week later there was no heartbeat and a month after that I moved into an apartment alone.
            When dealing with addiction many people have to hit rock bottom and lose everything.  Today with so much more awareness just as many people don’t.  I hadn’t lost everything. But when you spend your whole life building up a story on a false foundation, there is a daunting amount of work that has to go into deconstructing, in the hopes of one day building again on a healthy foundation.  There were so many days romanticizing my addictive behaviors of partying and obsessive working.  “None of this would be my reality if I stayed in the fog.” But the truth is, there IS no reality in the fog.
            There would months of waking up in the morning and praying for the universe to help me put one foot in front of the other and to stay away from distractions of any kind.  I turned down offers this summer for roles and opportunities that would have brought my ego a lot of satisfaction.  I got sober to stop reaching outward for inner peace in ANY way, not just with substances.  The time had come to go inside.  So I have gone inside, and I am there…in the pit, where the knitty gritty work has to be done.  And its haaaaaaard.  It’s lonely.  It’s painful.  It’s inconsistent.  But I am recognizing that in this pit is where I have to go to live a truly free and genuine life.
            One day in the car a few months ago I asked my husband (he knew I was sharing all of this as its partially his story to tell) what he thought would happen with us and he said he honestly had no idea.  As far as what my life looks like one year from now, I too, have no idea.  But I am grateful that I have stayed present to walk through this with clarity and honesty.  This post isn’t about sympathy or attention.  It’s about transparency.  My professional bio paints the picture of “perfection” and “awesomeness” in sobriety, however THIS period has been about having the courage to let go of what my story is going to look like and how I think it needs to be.

 RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

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A well-known and effective activity to put closure on our addictive behaviors is to write a letter to our drug of choice.  With her permission, below is a powerful letter from a talented mother and executive we have had the privilege of guiding through the earliest stages of recovering from addiction. I am so impressed by her courage and strength and I am sure you will be too!

Dearest Alcohol,

I am sad to tell you that you can no longer be my BFF (best friend forever). You have gone from being the best and most loving partner to the worst booty call. I have reduced you from frenemy I loved and couldn’t get enough of to my eternal enemy. I will no longer answer your text messages or when you try to crash my parties, the cops (my tools) will be called upon.

Together you and I began to build a beautiful bridge together for life. Once I first tasted your awesome power you captured me but this bridge led to alcoholism. If we stay friends, it will lead to mental disorder, despair, heartache and death.

Thankfully, I have decided to let you finish the bridge alone.  I am returning to a place of self-awareness, beauty, focus, love and long life. With you, I will destroy any potential of having clarity ever again.

You do leave obstacles in my way but I am learning to get over them. I miss you very much. You need to know that. In my early stages of sobriety, I think about us a lot. I try to think of the good times, but it only leaves me confused and sad. It also leaves me embarrassed, ashamed and regretful. I did really stupid, life threatening and mean things while you were around me and I loved the way you made me feel. When I was happy inside, we would celebrate together. When I was sad, you’d help me forget and wallow in my sorrow and the occasional drunk dial. (Maybe not that occasionally, who did I call?)  We rocked out together and met some cool people. We got married together and we tried to raise a small child together. Imagine the things he saw and heard from us as a baby, but weren’t the hangover naps the best? No they really weren’t. While you were planning our next drunk, I wasn’t present with my child. Once you gave me a voice to speak in those early days but then you became a co-dependency I couldn’t get rid of. Remember driving down and up 93 every weekend drunk as hell and going 100 MPH to just get to bed? I was lucky and still am. Eventually, you and my luck will stop. So I need to stop.

Angels have been guiding me away from you and showing me signs over the years that you should go. So now I say goodbye.  I not only say goodbye to you but everything you came with. The fights, the drama, the disappointment in peoples’ voices and also the insecurity, the forgetfulness, heartburn and sickness. Paranoia and hangovers.

We have tried everything you and I to get along. We tried the hard stuff. We tried the beer. We tried moderation. We tried spritzers. We tried drugs together. We learned we loved craft beer, wine and tequila. I learned that you would let me keep going. A bottle of wine would turn into two some nights. (This was before the locked fridge got involved) A bottle of wine would also turn into a chaser of warm beers smuggled from the party stash. Eventually, I didn’t care what form you came in as long as you were inside of me!

You see alcohol; I would have killed myself chasing you. My biggest fear in life is watching it go by and leaving this earth without making an impact. My impact will be giving my life its greatest gift – a life without you.

My journey home has begun. (please stop texting me at 4:30pm every night, I’d appreciate that) - Sincerely, Elizabeth


RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

      Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management                                   Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management

For an addict (I use this term to include alcoholic), feeling our feelings is a critical component to dealing with addiction and recovering from addiction.  It is important to understand that someone who has been numbing their feelings for years is going to go through a phase in early recovery where they begin to feel feelings for the first time, and it’s typically a scary and unpleasant experience.  I remember hitting about the four-month mark crying on the phone with a woman in the program telling her I would rather be trashed every day of my life then feel the way I did at that moment.  Everything I had avoided dealing with was coming out of my cells, pains and struggles I had stuffed down for over 15 years.

 Another important piece in understanding addiction is that the addict essentially stops growing emotionally around the time they first started using drugs and/or alcohol. For many of us the path started with pot or drugs as early as 12 or 13.  This applies to anyone and everyone recovering from addiction whether 15 or 50.  So recognize that now you have this person who has stopped the addictive behaviors but has started to have some uncomfortable feelings come up, who has the ability to deal with such issues on the same level as a teenager or preteen.  This is why as many support systems as we can put in place are critical to the recovery process.  Meetings, sober peers, therapists, recovery coaches, it doesn’t take one or two of these but ALL of these to increase the chances of success and long-term sobriety or the ability to bounce back quickly from a slip.

            Even after a significant amount of time in recovery, having feelings come up is risky.  The addict wants to instantly “fix” the feelings and have control over numbing them or making them go away.  So aside from the initial support systems a person must develop the proper coping skills that work for him or her. This even applies to physical feelings… I know every time I got sick in early recovery I wanted to drink because in the end that was what I did to feel better.  A person cannot simply be told what works for them, they have to learn to develop and understand these coping mechanisms as they see fit for themselves. The key to feeling negative feelings is not to sit in the pain to sulk and stay depressed; it is to process through these feelings until they have left us.  Taking a line from the wonderful Pema Chodron: “ The best thing you can do is learn how to fail really well, to hold the pain of things happening that you really don’t want to be happening … to experience the rawness of vulnerability … and to know the experience of when something terrible happens it means an opportunity for you to evolve into a better place, a new experience”.  In the end, life happens; we must all understand that moments and feelings pass, yes, both the bad and the good.  The beauty of life in recovery is being able to recognize this, be in moment, and ride the wave.

RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

     Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management                                   Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management

Tommy Rosen is one of my favorite people in the world of recovery and understanding how to overcome addiction.  Tommy has really advanced the idea of a phased approach to recovering from addiction, which he terms “Recovery 2.0”.  In this model, the first phase of recovery is putting down the drink, drug, or other harmful habit that has taken over your world.  The second phase is working to move out of a state of “Dis-ease” with areas of your life.   I strongly believe the majority of Americans are in this state even without substance abuse issues and this is why recovery is beneficial to everyone.  The Huffington Post published this awesome and easy to understand article by Rosen, “How Is Yoga Beneficial to People on a Path of Recovery From Addiction?” It’s a must read if you care about bringing your life to the next level!

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