Over the last six months I have been a bit more in the shadows than usual.  There have been very few blogs, minimal speaking engagements, and no boasting about random accolades.  I’ve been prepared to write this post when the time was right, and it feels like now.  There are a lot of things about recovery that we don’t really give thought to when we are hanging on in the very beginning.  For me, this journey has been about unpeeling all the layers of BS and learning who I am, what I love, and what my sacred contract on this particular journey is all about. 
            After nearly two years of sobriety this past spring, I was blessed with the gift of a new life in my belly.  I always planned on having a family.  I mean, that’s what people do…get a job, make money, get married, have kids and live happily ever after…right?  It didn’t work out that smoothly, at least for me.  Once I found out I was pregnant I was devastated.  It occurred to me that I was doing this for my husband who had been nothing but loving and supportive over the last 10 years, especially through my early recovery.  There was SO MUCH shame for me, hating myself for being sober and STILL not recognizing my truth. How was I not “farther along??”  Then there was the guilt of “ruining my husband’s life” not just by being an alcoholic, but also now to tell him that I didn’t feel ready for a family, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be married. It was horrible on so many levels.
            We went through 11 weeks of highs, lows, therapy, and lots of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.  Seeing and hearing the heartbeat at the first ultrasound was surreal but I could tell the technician was uneasy and that something wasn’t right.  They brought us into a room and told us that the levels were not where they should be and that we would need to return in one week.  There had been a whole lot of soul searching up to that point and my husband and I could both see the writing on the wall if this pregnancy didn’t make it.  A week later there was no heartbeat and a month after that I moved into an apartment alone.
            When dealing with addiction many people have to hit rock bottom and lose everything.  Today with so much more awareness just as many people don’t.  I hadn’t lost everything. But when you spend your whole life building up a story on a false foundation, there is a daunting amount of work that has to go into deconstructing, in the hopes of one day building again on a healthy foundation.  There were so many days romanticizing my addictive behaviors of partying and obsessive working.  “None of this would be my reality if I stayed in the fog.” But the truth is, there IS no reality in the fog.
            There would months of waking up in the morning and praying for the universe to help me put one foot in front of the other and to stay away from distractions of any kind.  I turned down offers this summer for roles and opportunities that would have brought my ego a lot of satisfaction.  I got sober to stop reaching outward for inner peace in ANY way, not just with substances.  The time had come to go inside.  So I have gone inside, and I am there…in the pit, where the knitty gritty work has to be done.  And its haaaaaaard.  It’s lonely.  It’s painful.  It’s inconsistent.  But I am recognizing that in this pit is where I have to go to live a truly free and genuine life.
            One day in the car a few months ago I asked my husband (he knew I was sharing all of this as its partially his story to tell) what he thought would happen with us and he said he honestly had no idea.  As far as what my life looks like one year from now, I too, have no idea.  But I am grateful that I have stayed present to walk through this with clarity and honesty.  This post isn’t about sympathy or attention.  It’s about transparency.  My professional bio paints the picture of “perfection” and “awesomeness” in sobriety, however THIS period has been about having the courage to let go of what my story is going to look like and how I think it needs to be.

 RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

     Advanced Intervention - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services 
                  Case Management -Sober Companions - DUI/OUI Support 
            Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management Management 

The concept of Recovery Coaching has been utilized for years but it is just recently being brought back into mainstream recovery.  There are so many different ways people use the term Recovery Coach and ways organizations employ people with this title.  At RealYou Revolution we believe a Recovery Coach is someone who has gone through their own journey with addiction and can use that experience to assist others in moving through the recovery process.  We believe therapists, sponsors, and professional recovery coaches are the foundational trifecta critical in helping people turn their life around.  Below are just a few ways a coach makes the difference:

1)   Navigating the Recovery World – Recovery Coaches can get to know you and figure out which methods of treatment might be the best for you to start off with.  They also typically have connections within the Substance Use Disorder field and can assist with admissions and insurance challenges.  A good recovery coach will continue to stay in touch with treatment centers throughout the process and adjust course accordingly along the way.  They will also be the one solid link in the continuum of care, for example, guiding the client from detox to inpatient to outpatient to sober living, etc.

2)   Around the Clock Availability – Because Recovery Coaches are not therapists’ restricted by state licensure, and they are not sponsors who kindly donate their time, they should be available 24-7 when a client is in need.  This means if you are concerned about using at 1:00am and call your Recovery Coach, you should be able to expect them to answer for support.  This is a invaluable resource in the early stages of sobriety.

3)   Family Support – Addiction is a family disease.  Whether the issues are from past family troubles or the family has just gotten sick with the addicted person, there is ALWAYS work to be done here.  What good is it to send your child to treatment and not expect assistance for the rest of the family? A strong Recovery Coach will identify where the work needs to be done and connect the family with the proper resources.  Coaches can also assign specific activities for various family members to work on in accordance with areas needing attention.

4)   Power of Example – A Recovery Coach should be all of the things that one aspires to be.  While no one is perfect, a strong coach will be healthy, fit, confident, happy, and well balanced.  There are obvious benefits to spending time with a coach who has their life together, who is thriving day to day, and is a living breathing example of what is possible in recovery. Putting down the drink or drug may be enough for some, but it is not TRULY living in recovery where one is growing and learning at all times and reaching their highest potential.

5)    Judgment Free Zone – Many people who struggle with addictive behaviors also have issues with beating themselves up and self worth.  What they aren’t used to is unconditional listening and support.  A Recovery Coach is a safe person the client can trust and go to for anything.  If a client relapses, their recovery coach should be one of their first calls knowing it will provide the assistance needed and not a scolding.  There is a time and a place for everything and coaches understand this well.

RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services.

Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management

WOW! Kudos to you Kara Sowles for writing an awesome article about how the business world, specifically here high tech companies, can better manage events to include people who do not drink alcohol.  Not only does the corporate world exclude those who don’t drink alcohol, but it also encourages members to become involved in world of sex, partying and secrets, while preying upon the young women in the industry, and I am glad it’s being called out.  As an Executive Recovery Coach and Interventionist, I see lives where the partying behavior of a spouse who justifies it because he “is supporting the family” wreaks havoc on an entire family unit. I am willing to bet that the majority of people, especially in the tech industry, will not want to consider the non-aloholic options because it shines a light on a truth that they refuse to acknowledge.  If they acknowledge it, of course that means that each of them would have to take a closer look at themselves and their own reality of a drinking problem or addictive behaviors.  Read Kara's article Alcohol and Inclusivity: Planning Tech Events with Non-Alcoholic Options.

RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services.

Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management

I attended The Catholic University of America.  As a freshman on Halloween I was ecstatic to dress as a pregnant nun.  There was something powerful about being so “out there” with something that could be viewed as so shameful. I wanted people to be uncomfortable with their own judgments. Now, years later I am deeply troubled by the constant shame I see working as recovery coach and interventionist. From the man mortified that his place of employment has uncovered his past history of abusing pain pills, to the mother who refuses to be seen at an Alanon Meeting for support with her daughters drug addiction, shame proliferates in the world of addictive behaviors.  Guilt is different; it is feeling bad for wrong behaviors, and can actually keep us aligned with doing the right thing.  But shame is part of how we ended up drinking, drugging, eating, or passing down unhealthy family legacies in the first place.  In the words of Brene Brown, “ I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” I was not embarrassed to ask for leave from my place of employment so I could go to treatment.  I had a drinking problem.  This was my truth.  I was seeking help to fix the problem; there is NO shame in that.  I want people to start recognizing shaming behavior in themselves and as they interact with others.  If you have shaming tendencies, follow Brene Brown, and start to free yourself and the people around you!

RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services.

Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management

Regardless of how much information we have on understanding addiction, some people seem to feel safer remaining in a state of denial.  This makes sense because not having to change is EASY!  As a recovery coach working with both addicts and their loved ones, I like clients to be armed with as much scientific information as possible leaving less room for opinion.  Loved ones are constantly haunted with the question of how to stop addiction.  Although it does not fix the problem, we do have plenty of information today on addictive behaviors and why people can’t just STOP drinking, drugging, or even eating.  This fascinating explanation of a chemical in our brain called THIQ and how it works in the mind of an addict vs. someone without addictive behaviors may just make you feel some sanity today about why you can’t FIX your loved one or why you can’t get well on your own!

The SAMHSA working definition of recovery is “A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.” Everyone in the world is recovering some something if they choose to be, and I strongly believe that everyone should be!! As I have said time and time again, even if it’s not a drug addiction or alcoholism you may have a different way of distracting yourself from being completely honest and living your best life.  AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! So, in honor of and as my official kickoff to Recovery Month, I am posting a list of some of the primary things recovery means to me and a recovery coach.

Recovery Means:

1.      Not blaming others for circumstances in my life.
2.     Being 100% available physically and emotionally for the people I love.
3.     Alleviating chaos in my life.
4.     Losing my keys 80% less frequently than I did before.
5.     Consistently working on being a better human being.
6.     Realizing that 99% of what others think of me is none of my business.
7.     Eliminating the outer reach for inner peace.
8.     Working to be in the present moment because it’s all there is.
9.     Practicing (and yes it takes a hell of a lot of practice) self-love.
10.  Approaching myself and the world with open mindedness and compassion.
11.  Having a (no longer chemically fueled) blast.
12.  Laughing and smiling as frequently as possible.

I have always wanted pink hair.  In high school I knew my parents would never allow it, and then after 18 I heard if I dyed it getting a job would be virtually impossible.  So now, I’m 34 with my own recovery coach business, showing the world how to freely be whom they really are, and I am still scared to have pink hair. “What if people think I’m not intelligent and professional enough? What if they don’t take me seriously?"  And there you have it, that very paranoid, fearful, judgmental voice that got me drinking and numbing my feelings in the first place.  What the HELL!? Why is it still there? I am so pissed off that I still have to deal with her!  The truth is, while I have made so much progress, until we are dead, we are never cured from being human. And this is where I have to remind myself of the Cherokee Legend of Two Wolves posted below.  Each day we are faced with decisions all day long.  As humans the reality of an internal battle between love and fear is inescapable.  I continued to choose fear over loving and trusting my true self and knowing that I will be all right if pink hair is how I choose to express myself. I remind myself that the people who have an issue with my pink hair is saying something about them and nothing about me.   So I will be getting my pink hair extensions despite any fearful voices.  I will feed love and I will feed recovery.

Cherokee Legend of Two Wolves
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”