Understanding Shame

I attended The Catholic University of America.  As a freshman on Halloween I was ecstatic to dress as a pregnant nun.  There was something powerful about being so “out there” with something that could be viewed as so shameful. I wanted people to be uncomfortable with their own judgments. Now, years later I am deeply troubled by the constant shame I see working as recovery coach and interventionist. From the man mortified that his place of employment has uncovered his past history of abusing pain pills, to the mother who refuses to be seen at an Alanon Meeting for support with her daughters drug addiction, shame proliferates in the world of addictive behaviors.  Guilt is different; it is feeling bad for wrong behaviors, and can actually keep us aligned with doing the right thing.  But shame is part of how we ended up drinking, drugging, eating, or passing down unhealthy family legacies in the first place.  In the words of Brene Brown, “ I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” I was not embarrassed to ask for leave from my place of employment so I could go to treatment.  I had a drinking problem.  This was my truth.  I was seeking help to fix the problem; there is NO shame in that.  I want people to start recognizing shaming behavior in themselves and as they interact with others.  If you have shaming tendencies, follow Brene Brown, and start to free yourself and the people around you!

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