Relapse is all over the news these days, with the one-two punch of Demi Lovato and Ben Affleck relapsing in such close proximity to each other.

Celebrities who struggle with addiction and talk openly about their recovery face a double-edged sword; the media loves to sensationalize active use and/or relapse, and a celebrity thriving in recovery doesn't get much press. The story just isn't "juicy" enough. But every time relapse is spoken about openly - celebrity or not - it's an opportunity to educate everyone on addiction, relapse, and recovery. 

Demi Lovato and Ben Affleck, due to their celebrity status, are a barometer for the way people respond to relapse. There is a LOT of talk in the media about their struggles, what led to their relapse, even speculation about WHY they relapsed. None of this is worthwhile, and it perpetuates the stigma around addiction and relapse.  They did not fail. They are not weaker than others. They are addicts in recovery who need to get help, make adjustments, and continue on in their recovery. And they are STILL IN RECOVERY. Relapse is only an indication that there are still changes they need to make in their program, their self-care, mental health, and/or environment. There is something about the relationship they have to themselves, and their recovery, that needs to change. It's no more and no less than that. 

What Relapse Is, and What It Isn't

A relapse is a spiral into compulsive behavior and maladaptive coping mechanisms. For someone who has abstained from alcohol and/or drugs for a period of time, the primary symptom of relapse is picking up a substance. While relapse is most commonly spoken of in terms of using a substance, relapse materializes in many forms. Any time we seek to escape our reality though unhealthy behaviors, it can be considered a relapse. It can look like falling back into a codependent relationship, an unhealthy relationship with food, gambling, an active eating disorder, self-harm, and many others. Whatever battle we are fighting, any time we revert back to unhealthy, impulsive, and escaping behaviors, we are in relapse.

A relapse never occurs suddenly.  Let me reiterate that: while it make look sudden, and even feel sudden to the addict, there are always warning signs and other identifiable factors that appear in advance of the physical relapse. This is both the good news and the bad news about relapse. It is a teachable experience, and how we deal with it has everything to do with our ability to continue our recovery. 

Here is what relapse is NOT:

• a moral failing
• weakness 
• a negation of the work someone has already done in their recovery

Unlike the first time someone gets sober, relapse can be devastating to an addict (and their loved ones) because there is a feeling that someone "should know better". Addicts themselves can fall victim to this rhetoric, and experience deep shame that they "did it again", despite all their best intentions and despite working some kind of recovery program. This shame prevents people in relapse from reaching for help, and is - quite literally - killing people as a result. There needs to be more open and honest discourse surrounding relapse to counterbalance this feeling of failure.  Many people who relapse and seek recovery again say they feel like "a bad person trying to get good", instead of the reality which is that they are a sick person trying to get well.  There is no room for moral judgement when it comes to relapse. It simply doesn't apply.

Destigmatizing Relapse 

There is a lot of dialogue now, thankfully, around destigmatizing addiction. Slowly, people are being educated on the fact that addiction is a diagnosable disease that needs to be treated like the chronic and potentially fatal condition that it is. 

Understanding around relapse is slower to emerge, likely because it is often as baffling to the relapser as it is to those around them. The common rhetoric most people in recovery hear is "relapse doesn't have to be part of recovery". This is a noble and worthwhile goal for anyone in recovery, but the reality looks very different. We can't battle the stigma surrounding relapse until we take an honest look at the facts.  According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse , between 40-60% of addicts will experience relapse, many more than once. 

Relapse IS a part of recovery for approximately 50% of addicts. The silver lining is that any relapse is a valuable learning experience and an opportunity to make adjustments to one's program of recovery. A program of recovery is no different than a treatment protocol for a cancer or diabetes patient. If a cancer patient has a recurrence of cancer cells, a physician adjusts the treatment protocols: different chemo, more radiation, etc. An addict who relapses needs to do the same. They can look at what worked, and what didn't, with their recovery program and make adjustments accordingly. 

Relapse Response

When an addict relapses, the objective is to shorten the duration and acuity of the relapse. Instead of a "how could you?", "why did you", or "you know better" responses, the questions to ask are "what kind of help do you need right now" and "what needs to change"? 

If someone in relapse feels they will be shamed or shunned for reaching for help, they stay in relapse. If they feel they will be met with support and an action plan to help them, they are much more likely to reach out for help. In some recovery circles, there is a "back to day one" notion, meaning that if you relapse your counter resets to absolute zero. While this may be true in the actual number of days someone has abstained from using, it is NOT true when it comes to the progress they have made in their recovery so far. Everything they learned in recovery - including what didn't work - is of value. 

There is an analogy for this that is poignant: if you were driving to Los Angeles from Boston and you got lost in Chicago, would you drive all the way back to Boston and start over? No. You would reroute, consult people who know how to get to Los Angeles, adjust your path, and continue on. 

The same is true of recovery. If relapse happens we can get help, make adjustments, regroup, and keep moving forward. 

What to Do If You Relapse

• Ask for help: it is very, very difficult to pull yourself out of relapse. Ask a safe person for help, whether it is a friend, recovery coach, loved one, spiritual adviser, or therapist, the first step is TALKING to someone. Getting honest with another person helps you get honest with yourself. 
• Get Honest: Asking for help and getting honest go hand-in-hand, because people can only work with what you tell them. Resist the urge to minimize and/or justify. Simply saying you're in relapse and need help is enough. You have time to figure out what happened and what you need to adjust later. 
• Come Up with a Plan of Action: Do you need a physical detox? Do you need inpatient or outpatient help? Perhaps you need to address something in your life that continues to undermine your recovery, like a stressful job, toxic relationship, and/or other unhealthy behaviors that keep you off balance. The idea is to get support and be safe while you work through what needs to change.
• Tell People What is Helpful, and What Isn't: In other words: advocate for yourself. You may be experiencing shame (due to the judgement, or perceived judgement, of others) but don't let this keep you from speaking up for what you need. If someone isn't being helpful, or is unable to be objective in some way, move on. Your life depends on your ability to get the help you need, so it is fruitless to waste valuable time explaining yourself, trying to make others feel better about your relapse, and/or minimize your pain to placate others. 
• Be Proud of Yourself: You may be shaking your head at this one, thinking "relapse is AWFUL, what is there to be proud of?" Relapse is what it is, and it is treatable. It is hard to ask for help, make changes, and get honest. It takes courage to reach out for help. Dwelling on shame and self-deprecation keeps you stuck. Cultivate pride and self-worth, because you deserve to be healthy, balanced, and whole. 

What To Do If Someone Asks You For Help

• Be Kind: This can be very challenging if you feel angry or disillusioned by a loved one's relapse.  What this person needs right now is your support and a plan of action. There will be time to work through how you feel, and if you need immediate help with your emotions around a loved one's relapse go get help for yourself. Asking the person causing your pain to help you fix it is not helpful for anyone. If you feel you are too angry and/or upset to help, be honest about that. You can help direct them to someone more objective, like a therapist or other loved one, but the immediate wake of a relapse is not the time or the place to subject them to your feelings.
• Listen: Listening without judgement helps the relapser get honest, and allows them to feel safe opening up to you. Even if you aren't sure yet what the plan of action will be, you can simply listen and be there for them. You may not understand, or know what to do, but allowing them a safe space to talk is an important first step. 
• Don't Fix/Ask for Help: Just like the relapser can't fix themselves, you need a support system as well. There are 12-step communities for loved ones of addicts, as well as a multitude of other communities and counselors who can give you the support you need. You can walk alongside someone as they get help after relapse, but you cannot fix them on your own. Marshall the resources you need to take care of yourself, so you are on steady ground to help the ones you love.
• Detach with Love: If you have a loved one who relapses and they are not seeking help, detach with love. Prioritize your own self care without shaming the relapser. Stay neutral and take care of yourself. If and when they are ready for help they may turn to you, but if you shame them or react in anger/resentment, you will make things worse for them AND for you.
• Be Honest: Just like the relapser needs to get honest, so do you.  Be honest with yourself about how you feel, and what you're able to do to help.  As the prior points emphasize, you can't help anyone if you struggle yourself. Talk to people who can understand how you feel, and find a support system of your own which does NOT include the relapser. You are not alone. 

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​You may have heard the term 'holding space' for someone, but what does that actually mean? 

We live in an instant gratification world. We are an action-oriented society full of doers. When we encounter our own struggles, or the struggles of others, our natural instinct is usually to jump into action and "help" or "fix". This isn't inherently a bad response (there are no 'bad' responses, really), but sometimes action isn't what's needed. Sometimes what we need is a compassionate shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and the warmth of companionship. Sometimes what we really need is someone to just be with us. 

Holding space for someone means we are willing to walk alongside another person on whatever journey they’re on without trying to fix them, judge them, make them feel inadequate, or try to impact or control the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

Sounds straightforward, right? It's simple, but it's not easy. 

Why We Hide Our True Feelings

How many of us have been in some form of emotional pain but when someone asks how we're doing we say "fine"? How often do we plaster a smile on our faces to mask our struggles, instead of allowing our emotions and thoughts to bubble to the surface? in some instances, of course, it's appropriate not to share. But why do we do this even with loved ones or friends who genuinely care? Maybe it is because we don't want to feel like a burden. Perhaps we don't feel emotionally safe being vulnerable. We often justify being closed-up by thinking someone couldn't possibly understand, but most often it's because we're afraid. Afraid that if we open up and don't get a compassionate or understanding response, we will feel hurt and/or rejected. So we play it safe, and keep our true emotions safely under guard.

Part of the reason for this fear is that often well-intentioned people don't allow us to simply experience emotions. They minimize in an effort to make things seem okay, even when they're not. They offer solutions or try to fix us, which can only serve to make us feel more broken. They switch the topic to themselves in an effort to identify - whether they are on-point or not - which makes us feel less-than or like we're 'complaining'.  Perhaps they offer platitudes, or tell us it will all be okay, which makes us feel unheard.

Think of holding space for someone as becoming a safe container for them, where they can feel what they feel in whatever form that takes. We spend so much of our lives performing in some respect. At work, home, with friends and acquaintances, so much of our life requires us to be on.  

6 Ways to Hold Space for Someone

So how does one actually do this? How can you hold space for someone? It can be very difficult to do, especially when you love someone and it hurts your heart to see them in pain. 

• Active Listening: Hearing isn't the same as listening. Active listening, sometimes called deep listening, involves more than sitting quietly and paying attention, it means focusing on what a person needs in that moment - is it holding their hand or rubbing their back? Is it making, or avoiding, eye contact? Listening doesn't always mean someone is talking, either. You can both sit in companionable silence and listen with your heart. When you hold space and listen, it may involve no speaking at all. The important thing is to be compassionately intuitive about what they need, and if you're not sure giving them the space to just be. 
• Practice Non-Judgment: If asked, most of us would likely say we aren't judgmental. If we're being still and paying attention to our own inner narrative, however, we sometimes find small ways we pass judgement whether we know it or not. Maybe we feel impatient, or inadequately equipped to help, or are even slightly distracted. These things wouldn't be described as being judgmental, per se, but they are all distractions from holding space for someone else, which can feel like judgment for the person in pain. When someone is being vulnerable they are highly attuned to any signs of judgment, so practicing total focus and neutrality is a gift to them when holding space.
• Don't Fix: This is one of the hardest aspects of holding space. Letting someone simply feel how they feel is hard. It's a natural instinct to want to offer help and/or offer solutions, but when holding space this isn't always helpful, because it can rob the person of the ability to experience their emotions in their purest form. When we try to fix, we can inadvertently make someone feel more broken, or that they need to make us feel better instead of focusing on themselves. Let someone cry, or speak, or rant, sit quietly - whatever they need to do to get their feelings out. Let those feelings just land where they are, instead of trying to do something about them. 
• Identify, Don't Usurp: It is common, when someone shares their struggles, to try to identify with them by sharing your own experiences. Sometimes, if asked for, this may be helpful. If it's not requested, however, it isn't holding space, because it shifts the focus to you, and requires the person in pain to respond to you instead of the other way around. It also may not be an accurate reflection of how they are feeling, which makes them feel unheard. Instead of offering your own experiences, ask questions. Let the person know you are listening, and that you want to know more about how they feel. Having a similar experience will make you better at holding space, but it isn't necessary to let the person know your own specifics.
• Don't Control: Just like with judgment, many of us would say we don't try to control others. Even those of us who actively work at acceptance and surrender struggle with control, and it can reveal itself in subtle ways. When someone you love is in pain, of course you want them not to be in pain anymore. It's human nature to feel this way. Holding space for someone means we sublimate our wish that they weren't in pain and allow them to experience their feelings exactly as they are. This is much, much harder than it sounds. Even the inner desire that they weren't in pain is a subtle form of control, and it is important not to communicate this, in words or actions,  to someone in pain. Telling someone, even from a place of absolute love and good intention, "I wish you weren't in such pain", may seem like compassion when in fact it can make the person feel like they have to minimize or edit their true feelings so they don't feel like a burden. Holding space means saying "I'm here for you", instead of "I hate that you're going through this". 
• Practice Loving-Kindness: This seems kind of obvious, but practicing loving-kindness is more complex than simply expressing love and kindness. Loving-kindness is a term rooted in Buddhist tradition, and it describes the reverent present-moment cultivation of compassion and love. Loving-kindness is an action, not simply a feeling. It is the difference between telling someone you love them, and showing someone you do. Loving-kindness is an expression of deep compassion, and an acknowledgement of the inter-connectedness of all living things. When holding space for someone, loving-kindness is being in the present moment with them exactly as they are, and showing them they are not alone.