What It Means to "Hold Space" for Someone

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​You may have heard the term 'holding space' for someone, but what does that actually mean? 

We live in an instant gratification world. We are an action-oriented society full of doers. When we encounter our own struggles, or the struggles of others, our natural instinct is usually to jump into action and "help" or "fix". This isn't inherently a bad response (there are no 'bad' responses, really), but sometimes action isn't what's needed. Sometimes what we need is a compassionate shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and the warmth of companionship. Sometimes what we really need is someone to just be with us. 

Holding space for someone means we are willing to walk alongside another person on whatever journey they’re on without trying to fix them, judge them, make them feel inadequate, or try to impact or control the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

Sounds straightforward, right? It's simple, but it's not easy. 

Why We Hide Our True Feelings

How many of us have been in some form of emotional pain but when someone asks how we're doing we say "fine"? How often do we plaster a smile on our faces to mask our struggles, instead of allowing our emotions and thoughts to bubble to the surface? in some instances, of course, it's appropriate not to share. But why do we do this even with loved ones or friends who genuinely care? Maybe it is because we don't want to feel like a burden. Perhaps we don't feel emotionally safe being vulnerable. We often justify being closed-up by thinking someone couldn't possibly understand, but most often it's because we're afraid. Afraid that if we open up and don't get a compassionate or understanding response, we will feel hurt and/or rejected. So we play it safe, and keep our true emotions safely under guard.

Part of the reason for this fear is that often well-intentioned people don't allow us to simply experience emotions. They minimize in an effort to make things seem okay, even when they're not. They offer solutions or try to fix us, which can only serve to make us feel more broken. They switch the topic to themselves in an effort to identify - whether they are on-point or not - which makes us feel less-than or like we're 'complaining'.  Perhaps they offer platitudes, or tell us it will all be okay, which makes us feel unheard.

Think of holding space for someone as becoming a safe container for them, where they can feel what they feel in whatever form that takes. We spend so much of our lives performing in some respect. At work, home, with friends and acquaintances, so much of our life requires us to be on.  

6 Ways to Hold Space for Someone

So how does one actually do this? How can you hold space for someone? It can be very difficult to do, especially when you love someone and it hurts your heart to see them in pain. 

• Active Listening: Hearing isn't the same as listening. Active listening, sometimes called deep listening, involves more than sitting quietly and paying attention, it means focusing on what a person needs in that moment - is it holding their hand or rubbing their back? Is it making, or avoiding, eye contact? Listening doesn't always mean someone is talking, either. You can both sit in companionable silence and listen with your heart. When you hold space and listen, it may involve no speaking at all. The important thing is to be compassionately intuitive about what they need, and if you're not sure giving them the space to just be. 
• Practice Non-Judgment: If asked, most of us would likely say we aren't judgmental. If we're being still and paying attention to our own inner narrative, however, we sometimes find small ways we pass judgement whether we know it or not. Maybe we feel impatient, or inadequately equipped to help, or are even slightly distracted. These things wouldn't be described as being judgmental, per se, but they are all distractions from holding space for someone else, which can feel like judgment for the person in pain. When someone is being vulnerable they are highly attuned to any signs of judgment, so practicing total focus and neutrality is a gift to them when holding space.
• Don't Fix: This is one of the hardest aspects of holding space. Letting someone simply feel how they feel is hard. It's a natural instinct to want to offer help and/or offer solutions, but when holding space this isn't always helpful, because it can rob the person of the ability to experience their emotions in their purest form. When we try to fix, we can inadvertently make someone feel more broken, or that they need to make us feel better instead of focusing on themselves. Let someone cry, or speak, or rant, sit quietly - whatever they need to do to get their feelings out. Let those feelings just land where they are, instead of trying to do something about them. 
• Identify, Don't Usurp: It is common, when someone shares their struggles, to try to identify with them by sharing your own experiences. Sometimes, if asked for, this may be helpful. If it's not requested, however, it isn't holding space, because it shifts the focus to you, and requires the person in pain to respond to you instead of the other way around. It also may not be an accurate reflection of how they are feeling, which makes them feel unheard. Instead of offering your own experiences, ask questions. Let the person know you are listening, and that you want to know more about how they feel. Having a similar experience will make you better at holding space, but it isn't necessary to let the person know your own specifics.
• Don't Control: Just like with judgment, many of us would say we don't try to control others. Even those of us who actively work at acceptance and surrender struggle with control, and it can reveal itself in subtle ways. When someone you love is in pain, of course you want them not to be in pain anymore. It's human nature to feel this way. Holding space for someone means we sublimate our wish that they weren't in pain and allow them to experience their feelings exactly as they are. This is much, much harder than it sounds. Even the inner desire that they weren't in pain is a subtle form of control, and it is important not to communicate this, in words or actions,  to someone in pain. Telling someone, even from a place of absolute love and good intention, "I wish you weren't in such pain", may seem like compassion when in fact it can make the person feel like they have to minimize or edit their true feelings so they don't feel like a burden. Holding space means saying "I'm here for you", instead of "I hate that you're going through this". 
• Practice Loving-Kindness: This seems kind of obvious, but practicing loving-kindness is more complex than simply expressing love and kindness. Loving-kindness is a term rooted in Buddhist tradition, and it describes the reverent present-moment cultivation of compassion and love. Loving-kindness is an action, not simply a feeling. It is the difference between telling someone you love them, and showing someone you do. Loving-kindness is an expression of deep compassion, and an acknowledgement of the inter-connectedness of all living things. When holding space for someone, loving-kindness is being in the present moment with them exactly as they are, and showing them they are not alone.