Over the last six months I have been a bit more in the shadows than usual.  There have been very few blogs, minimal speaking engagements, and no boasting about random accolades.  I’ve been prepared to write this post when the time was right, and it feels like now.  There are a lot of things about recovery that we don’t really give thought to when we are hanging on in the very beginning.  For me, this journey has been about unpeeling all the layers of BS and learning who I am, what I love, and what my sacred contract on this particular journey is all about. 
            After nearly two years of sobriety this past spring, I was blessed with the gift of a new life in my belly.  I always planned on having a family.  I mean, that’s what people do…get a job, make money, get married, have kids and live happily ever after…right?  It didn’t work out that smoothly, at least for me.  Once I found out I was pregnant I was devastated.  It occurred to me that I was doing this for my husband who had been nothing but loving and supportive over the last 10 years, especially through my early recovery.  There was SO MUCH shame for me, hating myself for being sober and STILL not recognizing my truth. How was I not “farther along??”  Then there was the guilt of “ruining my husband’s life” not just by being an alcoholic, but also now to tell him that I didn’t feel ready for a family, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be married. It was horrible on so many levels.
            We went through 11 weeks of highs, lows, therapy, and lots of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.  Seeing and hearing the heartbeat at the first ultrasound was surreal but I could tell the technician was uneasy and that something wasn’t right.  They brought us into a room and told us that the levels were not where they should be and that we would need to return in one week.  There had been a whole lot of soul searching up to that point and my husband and I could both see the writing on the wall if this pregnancy didn’t make it.  A week later there was no heartbeat and a month after that I moved into an apartment alone.
            When dealing with addiction many people have to hit rock bottom and lose everything.  Today with so much more awareness just as many people don’t.  I hadn’t lost everything. But when you spend your whole life building up a story on a false foundation, there is a daunting amount of work that has to go into deconstructing, in the hopes of one day building again on a healthy foundation.  There were so many days romanticizing my addictive behaviors of partying and obsessive working.  “None of this would be my reality if I stayed in the fog.” But the truth is, there IS no reality in the fog.
            There would months of waking up in the morning and praying for the universe to help me put one foot in front of the other and to stay away from distractions of any kind.  I turned down offers this summer for roles and opportunities that would have brought my ego a lot of satisfaction.  I got sober to stop reaching outward for inner peace in ANY way, not just with substances.  The time had come to go inside.  So I have gone inside, and I am there…in the pit, where the knitty gritty work has to be done.  And its haaaaaaard.  It’s lonely.  It’s painful.  It’s inconsistent.  But I am recognizing that in this pit is where I have to go to live a truly free and genuine life.
            One day in the car a few months ago I asked my husband (he knew I was sharing all of this as its partially his story to tell) what he thought would happen with us and he said he honestly had no idea.  As far as what my life looks like one year from now, I too, have no idea.  But I am grateful that I have stayed present to walk through this with clarity and honesty.  This post isn’t about sympathy or attention.  It’s about transparency.  My professional bio paints the picture of “perfection” and “awesomeness” in sobriety, however THIS period has been about having the courage to let go of what my story is going to look like and how I think it needs to be.

 RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

     Advanced Intervention - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services 
                  Case Management -Sober Companions - DUI/OUI Support 
            Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management Management 

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make when their son, daughter, spouse, parent, etc. is in treatment for addictive behaviors is forget about the work they need to do on themselves.  It is very easy to get caught up in the drama of what to say when Aunt Joan asks where Suzie is or why brother Bill is blaming his parents for letting his sister’s problem get so bad.  But here is the reality, none of this actually matters and it is completely counterproductive to the family getting well.  We can only control what we can control and if we want to be supportive to the family member dealing with addiction we need to do all of the work we possibly can on ourselves until they return and then beyond.  This includes reading books on understanding addiction, seeking out family counseling and coaching (ideally not to be combined), attending appropriate support groups, and being able to get brutally honest with ourselves.  “Suzie” has just committed to going to treatment…typically THE single most courageous and profound decision someone can have on their life and a family legacy.  The rest of the family needs to do some of the same work.  If you want to understand what your loved one is dealing with, try giving up one of your crutches for a week, be it sugar, exercise, etc.  Journal on your feelings and emotions during this period and reflect on the idea of someone telling you this decision has to be permanent.  Then go into a candy shop where everyone is promoting the use of sugar (as our society promotes the use and abuse of alcohol) and acknowledge your resolve after the fact. Scary, isn’t it? Overwhelming? This is just a tiny snapshot of what your loved one is dealing with and will continue to work through when they return home.  There is a lot of commitment that has to go into getting well.  My question to families is if you can’t even read the 3 books recommended and commit to the necessary support groups and assistance twice a week, how do you expect your loved on to do it every day? And my response to that is you can’t!  

  RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

     Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Food Addiction -Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management