I’ve kept no secrets about how difficult the last year has been for me after a miscarriage, separation, and uncertainty of a marriage. And oh yes I am a severe codependent recovering from addiction with little idea how to love myself without external validation.
            The reality of the human condition is this; pain is inevitable, suffering IS more avoidable.  But no matter how much I read, write, pray, meditate, work a program, yadayada, the fact of the matter is I’ve had to process feelings.  And sometimes, there is nothing to do but feel horrible or cry my face off.  Before recovery, I would wake up dreading the actions of the night before.  Now I wake up with a terrible lump in my throat like “Oh yeah, this is my reality today and it’s nothing like what I envisioned.” And yes I can write gratitude lists and tell myself it will get better, but there are very few things I have found to do in an instant that can shift my mood like being of service to others.  One of the most amazing gifts of being in such prolonged emotional pain is the ridiculous amount of compassion you develop towards others. Being of service is the single most efficient way to get out of our own minds while positively impacting others.  Is this not a total win/win??!! When people hear “service to others” they think volunteering at a shelter or donating clothes and food to a local center, but the truth is we can be of service over and over throughout our day, every day.  So to jumpstart you in vibrating at a higher frequency tomorrow, I have started a very basic list of ways you can be of service to others, IMMEDIATELY:

1. Call someone you know who has been struggling and tell them you have been thinking of them and wondering how they are.  If you are limited time wise, call hands-free from the car or just explain at the beginning of the call that you only have a few minutes but needed to reach out.  Here is the key, JUST LISTEN TO THEM, don’t try to fix ANYTHING.  Just hold a safe space for them to feel their feelings.
2. SMILE at a perfect stranger today.  In fact, lets get crazy, see how many perfect strangers you can look in the eye and smile at in one day! Need to be held accountable? Make it a contest with a friend!
3. TEXT someone that you love them.
4. Hold a door for someone or let a car out in traffic.
5. Give your hard working lunch or dinner server a few extra bucks.  Chances are they may need it more than you!
6. Keep blank note cards around the house and write to someone about how special they are. Snail mail can be a nice surprise these days. Seriously, just do it and see how good you feel when you drop it in the mail…
7. Compliment someone!! Why not tell EVERY PERSON you encounter today something positive about them from a smile, to the shoes they are wearing, to the way they handled a particular situation.
8. Choose NOT to forward a negative Facebook post so your followers can avoid one additional negative vibe in their day.
9. If someone engages you in gossip, bring the conversation somewhere else, JUST FOR TODAY.  Don’t let someone be spoken of today if they aren’t there to present their side or defend themselves!
10. And when all else fails, just stop in the moment of suffering and ask the universe, "How can I be of service in this moment?" Something WILL come to you!

RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

     Advanced Intervention - Recovery Coaching - Family Support Services 
                  Case Management -Sober Companions - DUI/OUI Support 
            Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management Management 

Over the last six months I have been a bit more in the shadows than usual.  There have been very few blogs, minimal speaking engagements, and no boasting about random accolades.  I’ve been prepared to write this post when the time was right, and it feels like now.  There are a lot of things about recovery that we don’t really give thought to when we are hanging on in the very beginning.  For me, this journey has been about unpeeling all the layers of BS and learning who I am, what I love, and what my sacred contract on this particular journey is all about. 
            After nearly two years of sobriety this past spring, I was blessed with the gift of a new life in my belly.  I always planned on having a family.  I mean, that’s what people do…get a job, make money, get married, have kids and live happily ever after…right?  It didn’t work out that smoothly, at least for me.  Once I found out I was pregnant I was devastated.  It occurred to me that I was doing this for my husband who had been nothing but loving and supportive over the last 10 years, especially through my early recovery.  There was SO MUCH shame for me, hating myself for being sober and STILL not recognizing my truth. How was I not “farther along??”  Then there was the guilt of “ruining my husband’s life” not just by being an alcoholic, but also now to tell him that I didn’t feel ready for a family, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be married. It was horrible on so many levels.
            We went through 11 weeks of highs, lows, therapy, and lots of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.  Seeing and hearing the heartbeat at the first ultrasound was surreal but I could tell the technician was uneasy and that something wasn’t right.  They brought us into a room and told us that the levels were not where they should be and that we would need to return in one week.  There had been a whole lot of soul searching up to that point and my husband and I could both see the writing on the wall if this pregnancy didn’t make it.  A week later there was no heartbeat and a month after that I moved into an apartment alone.
            When dealing with addiction many people have to hit rock bottom and lose everything.  Today with so much more awareness just as many people don’t.  I hadn’t lost everything. But when you spend your whole life building up a story on a false foundation, there is a daunting amount of work that has to go into deconstructing, in the hopes of one day building again on a healthy foundation.  There were so many days romanticizing my addictive behaviors of partying and obsessive working.  “None of this would be my reality if I stayed in the fog.” But the truth is, there IS no reality in the fog.
            There would months of waking up in the morning and praying for the universe to help me put one foot in front of the other and to stay away from distractions of any kind.  I turned down offers this summer for roles and opportunities that would have brought my ego a lot of satisfaction.  I got sober to stop reaching outward for inner peace in ANY way, not just with substances.  The time had come to go inside.  So I have gone inside, and I am there…in the pit, where the knitty gritty work has to be done.  And its haaaaaaard.  It’s lonely.  It’s painful.  It’s inconsistent.  But I am recognizing that in this pit is where I have to go to live a truly free and genuine life.
            One day in the car a few months ago I asked my husband (he knew I was sharing all of this as its partially his story to tell) what he thought would happen with us and he said he honestly had no idea.  As far as what my life looks like one year from now, I too, have no idea.  But I am grateful that I have stayed present to walk through this with clarity and honesty.  This post isn’t about sympathy or attention.  It’s about transparency.  My professional bio paints the picture of “perfection” and “awesomeness” in sobriety, however THIS period has been about having the courage to let go of what my story is going to look like and how I think it needs to be.

 RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

     Advanced Intervention - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services 
                  Case Management -Sober Companions - DUI/OUI Support 
            Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management Management 

For an addict (I use this term to include alcoholic), feeling our feelings is a critical component to dealing with addiction and recovering from addiction.  It is important to understand that someone who has been numbing their feelings for years is going to go through a phase in early recovery where they begin to feel feelings for the first time, and it’s typically a scary and unpleasant experience.  I remember hitting about the four-month mark crying on the phone with a woman in the program telling her I would rather be trashed every day of my life then feel the way I did at that moment.  Everything I had avoided dealing with was coming out of my cells, pains and struggles I had stuffed down for over 15 years.

 Another important piece in understanding addiction is that the addict essentially stops growing emotionally around the time they first started using drugs and/or alcohol. For many of us the path started with pot or drugs as early as 12 or 13.  This applies to anyone and everyone recovering from addiction whether 15 or 50.  So recognize that now you have this person who has stopped the addictive behaviors but has started to have some uncomfortable feelings come up, who has the ability to deal with such issues on the same level as a teenager or preteen.  This is why as many support systems as we can put in place are critical to the recovery process.  Meetings, sober peers, therapists, recovery coaches, it doesn’t take one or two of these but ALL of these to increase the chances of success and long-term sobriety or the ability to bounce back quickly from a slip.

            Even after a significant amount of time in recovery, having feelings come up is risky.  The addict wants to instantly “fix” the feelings and have control over numbing them or making them go away.  So aside from the initial support systems a person must develop the proper coping skills that work for him or her. This even applies to physical feelings… I know every time I got sick in early recovery I wanted to drink because in the end that was what I did to feel better.  A person cannot simply be told what works for them, they have to learn to develop and understand these coping mechanisms as they see fit for themselves. The key to feeling negative feelings is not to sit in the pain to sulk and stay depressed; it is to process through these feelings until they have left us.  Taking a line from the wonderful Pema Chodron: “ The best thing you can do is learn how to fail really well, to hold the pain of things happening that you really don’t want to be happening … to experience the rawness of vulnerability … and to know the experience of when something terrible happens it means an opportunity for you to evolve into a better place, a new experience”.  In the end, life happens; we must all understand that moments and feelings pass, yes, both the bad and the good.  The beauty of life in recovery is being able to recognize this, be in moment, and ride the wave.

RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge                                                     substance use disorder services.

     Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services - Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management                                   Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management

The concept of Recovery Coaching has been utilized for years but it is just recently being brought back into mainstream recovery.  There are so many different ways people use the term Recovery Coach and ways organizations employ people with this title.  At RealYou Revolution we believe a Recovery Coach is someone who has gone through their own journey with addiction and can use that experience to assist others in moving through the recovery process.  We believe therapists, sponsors, and professional recovery coaches are the foundational trifecta critical in helping people turn their life around.  Below are just a few ways a coach makes the difference:

1)   Navigating the Recovery World – Recovery Coaches can get to know you and figure out which methods of treatment might be the best for you to start off with.  They also typically have connections within the Substance Use Disorder field and can assist with admissions and insurance challenges.  A good recovery coach will continue to stay in touch with treatment centers throughout the process and adjust course accordingly along the way.  They will also be the one solid link in the continuum of care, for example, guiding the client from detox to inpatient to outpatient to sober living, etc.

2)   Around the Clock Availability – Because Recovery Coaches are not therapists’ restricted by state licensure, and they are not sponsors who kindly donate their time, they should be available 24-7 when a client is in need.  This means if you are concerned about using at 1:00am and call your Recovery Coach, you should be able to expect them to answer for support.  This is a invaluable resource in the early stages of sobriety.

3)   Family Support – Addiction is a family disease.  Whether the issues are from past family troubles or the family has just gotten sick with the addicted person, there is ALWAYS work to be done here.  What good is it to send your child to treatment and not expect assistance for the rest of the family? A strong Recovery Coach will identify where the work needs to be done and connect the family with the proper resources.  Coaches can also assign specific activities for various family members to work on in accordance with areas needing attention.

4)   Power of Example – A Recovery Coach should be all of the things that one aspires to be.  While no one is perfect, a strong coach will be healthy, fit, confident, happy, and well balanced.  There are obvious benefits to spending time with a coach who has their life together, who is thriving day to day, and is a living breathing example of what is possible in recovery. Putting down the drink or drug may be enough for some, but it is not TRULY living in recovery where one is growing and learning at all times and reaching their highest potential.

5)    Judgment Free Zone – Many people who struggle with addictive behaviors also have issues with beating themselves up and self worth.  What they aren’t used to is unconditional listening and support.  A Recovery Coach is a safe person the client can trust and go to for anything.  If a client relapses, their recovery coach should be one of their first calls knowing it will provide the assistance needed and not a scolding.  There is a time and a place for everything and coaches understand this well.

RealYou Revolution, LLC. is New England's premier resource for cutting edge substance use disorder services.

Advanced Intervention - Sober Companions - Recovery Coaches - Family Support Services Case Management -DUI/OUI Support - Anger Management Assistance - Self Esteem Development - Anxiety Management

Anyone who knows me understands that just because I quit drinking does not mean I hate alcohol or think it should be banned from the universe.  There are plenty of people who can enjoy alcohol in a healthy way.  I will say that the wreckage I have seen since entering the recovery world does make me view it differently. I also believe the truth is that we as a society are conditioned to drink too much and at times glorify addictive behaviors.  This article “How Normal Is Your Drinking” by Daniel Engber is a great read that I highly recommend to everyone!

Because I was making a ton of money and life looked good from the outside, it was easy to tell myself the addictive behaviors weren’t that bad.  The turning point came when I decided I deserved more from the world and the world deserved more from me.  Although my life was “ok”, it was by no means enviable (especially on the inside) and I always believed there had to be so much more.  One of the most valuable things I did was identify at least 4 women who had what I wanted.  This list of wants included confidence, serenity, financial freedom, and happiness, just to name a few.  I made little progress going into a 12 step meeting early on and comparing myself to all the people I either didn’t relate to or thought I was better than in some way.  Humility has been a critical life skill, but that’s a whole other blog topic.  What did work for me was going to different meetings until I could find that handful of women who I aspired to be more like.  Something as simple as spending time with them, listening (and talking way less) to what worked for them in their life, and emulating more of their mindset and actions was the “fake it till you make it” strategy I needed.  And guess what, you don’t just find them in a 12 step meeting, although it was easier for me to find people there with the serenity I was looking for, who also knew how to do something I was still figuring out.  Instead of obsessing about what you don’t want to give up, obsess about what you want to become!!! I still make sure to always have that handful of exceptional people to learn from.   I do that by meeting new people all the time and showing up fully present for my life.  We are never beyond learning. To kick start your own admiration campaign, here are just a few Awesome Women Who Don’t Drink or Get High.

For Intervention services, recovery coaching or other addiction support call 774-329-4393.

One of my favorite gurus, Robin Sharma, has talked about his Forced Optimization Strategy (FOS), forcing ourselves into doing the things we need to do in the beginning of forming a new habit (when it is most difficult) instead of relying on willpower.  As an example he suggests hiring a personal trainer 3 times a week to come knock on your door and get you working out.  There is no way to fail here.  I believe recovery coaching and sober companions are exactly the same.  When you commit and invest in having someone who has battled and overcome addictive behaviors hold you accountable and help get you where you need to be, it is far more difficult to fail.  I don’t care if you think you aren’t exhibiting the signs of alcoholism according to a survey you saw online.  If there is something in your life that you feel is holding you back from reaching your highest potential, its time to get in recovery mode. I say it time and time again; everyone needs a therapist and a coach if they really want to live life to its fullest…one to deal with the past and the other to get you where you want to go. What are you waiting for!?!

People dealing with addiction or recovering from addiction do not always consider the power of recovery language. The way we speak to each other within a 12 step meeting or support group is very different than the way we should speak with the rest of the world.  As we have seen so much with bullying in recent years, words do matter.  As an "addict" or an "alcoholic", it sounds like I am still in the midst of my disease.  While there is no cure, I do believe I am in recovery which according to SAMHSA means, "A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self directed life, and strive to reach their full potential." Now who doesn't that apply to!?! So in my work as a recovery coach and as a sober companion, I do try to get in the habit of saying, "Hello, my name is Danielle and I am a person in long term recovery".  Stay tuned for some resources on recovery language training.  For more information on the importance of recovery language when dealing with addiction, read this new editorial in the journal of Substance Abuse. If you or someone you know is struggling with any type of addiction, please give us a call at 774-329-4393.

When I wanted to want sobriety but wasn't ready to give up the drink, a woman who had what I wanted looked at me and said, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment."  I never forgot it.  There was something about her words that told me I wasn't all broken and that things might eventually be ok.  For anyone who has ever dealt with addictive behaviors you know that there is no cure for addictive tendencies.  It is daily work.  I have the disadvantage and advantage of having to start my day off being mentally, physically and spiritually fit and without those factors in balance all bets are off.   And I don't care what anyone ever threatened me with, death, drunk driving, the effects of drug abuse, etc., I wasn't going to be ready until I was really ready.  I had to have that last drink.  So Elizabeth Vargas, please don't feel like a failure.  We are all doing the best we can with what we have at each moment.  Thank you for being so public about your struggle to remind people that they too can do this! Read more about Elizabeth's return to treatment.

RealYou Revolution was invited onto the Wicked Sober Voices of Hope Radio show the other night to explain more about Recovery Coaching and how we got started!   Attorney General candidate Warren Tolman also called in with an explanation of the work he plans to do in the world of substance abuse, treatment, and recovery.  Want to learn more about the world of addiction and recovery and how we can help you? Then listen to this broadcast from August, 13th!